Why I'm Not Waiting for Mr. Right

If you were raised like me, you were raised to believe that women are created to be helpers... helpers to God, their husband, children, orphans, widows. Helpers. But ultimately helpers to their husbands. Husbands. We learn to cook, clean, raise children, housekeep, shop, do laundry, etc. etc. etc. with the expectation that one day will be able to fulfill these duties for our husbands.

But then I look around and I see a lot of single girls in their early/late twenties who are still waiting for their man to show up. "Houston, we have a problem..." The problem is not the lack of older guys, or the lack of "mature" guys, or the lack of financially stable guys, or the lack of tall guys (*hint hint*), or even just the lack of guys in general. Let me explain.

Many young Christian women are raised from the beginning to belive that their ultimate purpose in life is to serve a husband. While this is a righteous calling, it is not who we are called to be as Christian women. Being a wife is not our end goal. Or, rather, it shouldn't be.

 

Hold on, don't freak out. Let me explain by asking you a question.

Who are we called to be? As single Christian women, who are we called to be biblically?

We are called to be noble in character, worthy of the confidence others have in us, always doing good, productive with our time, cooks, frugal with money, willing to do (and capable of doing) hard work, generous to the poor, putting thought into and planning for the future. Striving to bring honor to our families, strong and dignified, optimistic, wise and willing to give faithful instruction to others, not remiss or idle, cherished by children, and fearing the LORD not putting stock in external beauty or vanity. (Pr. 31:10-31)

I was raised to believe that it is important for a me to be these things so that I can be a helper to my future husband... noble, so he is not scorned. Productive, so he is not required to do housework. Cook so he has something to eat... etc. However, I contend that while these teachings are not unfounded biblically, women should not strive to be these things solely for the purpose of preparing for marriage. While the Proverbs 31 woman is married, she was these things before she was married. For God is calling men to seek such women for their wives.

Let me say it again. She had these qualities before marriage. Every one of those things listed are characteristics which God outlines for a righteous woman. These things are worthy of recognition. Girls, not so we can catch a husband. So we can further the Kingdom of God.

Let me explain further.

I am currently reading a book that redefines our approach to romantic relationships, and it brought up a very poignant question (which spawned the conception of this paper). If we are seeking a spouse to complete us, to be our "better half," to be the "yin to our yang," aren't we basically telling God that He is not enough for us?  We are still yearning for something more, that thing that is missing... this emptiness we expect to be filled by a flawed and sinful man ("...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God").

Let's think about this for a minute. It's good to have a life dream, a goal, something to set your sights on. I know for me, it's motherhood. Nothing beats the feeling of a baby falling asleep in my arms. Nothing makes me happier than that baby smiling at me, or hearing that girgly little laugh... chasing down the fleet-footed one year old who is headed for the stairs and hearing the first perfectly read sentence ever to pass that child's lips. That is what I want. That is what I believe God is calling me to do. Goals are good, but goals talk about the what, not the who.

Who do I want to be? I want to be a woman who is noble, righteous, strong, frugal, kind, generous, cherished by children... I want to be God's servant, the hand that reaches out to the poor, the orphans, the needy. I want to be WHO I am, and WHO I strive to be every day, whether I am married or not. Getting married will not complete me anymore than buying a 2015 electric blue Corvette Stingray will make me a better driver. I have to work hard to become who I desire to be, who God calls me to be. Then, if at some point, a man enters the picture, I hope to be who God calls him to search for in a wife.

My point in all this? I believe many of us were raised with a flawed mindset. I am hundreds of different things – I am a homeschooler, I am an artist, a singer, dancer, sister, daughter, friend, reader, writer, cook, dishwasher, an archer, movie watcher, and a hopelessly curious soul. I am made up of bad memories, reoccurring nightmares, countless bad decisions, and the source of many peoples' pain. I am all these things and so much more... because WHO we are cannot truly be defined. Who we are can never be wrapped up neatly into a list that can be handed to someone. And who we are definitely does not hinge on future aspirations. Who we are is defined every day by the decisions we make, the words we speak, the things we laugh at, and the way we approach life.

Not being married does not make you any less powerful in the hands of God. Not having children does not make your years of child-rearing training a waste. Because whether you're chasing a one-year-old that you brought into this world, or the one year old of the exhausted mother next door who just needed one hour to take a shower and do her hair before her husband comes home, you are being who you were made to be.

Don't squander this time of singleness. It's precious. Learn to drive your 1990s Toyota pickup, so that when the keys of that electric blue Corvette are handed to you, you're not afraid to drive it because you're confident that you've done everything you can to become the best driver possible.

Femininity - Biblical or Cultural?

Recently I've read some posts on the subject of femininity that make me cringe.  Meant with the best of intentions, I fear they do more harm than good.  So, this made me start thinking.  What is femininity as it pertains to Christian women?

First, (because I am a writer and words seem like a logical place to start) let's see what Google says.

fem-i-nin-i-ty
noun: femininity, plural noun: femininities

1. the quality of being female, womanliness
          "she celebrates her femininity by wearing makeup and high heels"
synonyms: womanliness, feminineness, womanly qualities, feminine qualities
          "she was a woman truly comfortable in her femininity"

The American Heritage Dictionary says: 1. The quality or condition of being feminine, womanliness. 2. A female characteristic or trait. 3. Womankind. 4. Womanishness; effeminacy

I think we can safely say the word "Femininity" means to conduct oneself as a woman would, pertaining to the following areas - appearance, attitude, actions, and behavior.  Let's see what the Bibles says are appropriate ways for a woman to conduct herself. 

1 Tim. 2:11-12 - Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness.  I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. 

Prov. 31:30 - Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Prov. 31:26 - She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teachings of kindness are on her tongue.  

Prov. 31:20 - She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. 

These verses paint a powerful picture of what a Godly woman should be.  Still, where does femininity fit into all of this? 

The majority of posts I've read on this subject push makeup, skirts, curled hair, perfume, nail polish, etc.  They go so far as to plainly state that outward appearance is key to being feminine.  

Certainly, outward appearance is one aspect of being feminine, but not the only one... nor, in my opinion, the most important.

This begs the question, what about those girls who are not comfortable wearing dresses/skirts, prefer short(er) hair, can't afford/choose not to spend their money on makeup, or simply prefer to spend their time improving other aspects of their lives? Are these individuals any less feminine?

I would contend that 95% of "femininity" is apparent in the way women act, their frame of mind, their grace and thoughtfulness in social situations, their willingness to serve (even if it causes them to appear less feminine), and the words they choose to speak.

I genuinely fear that spending too much time on ones appearance can hinder your ability to be an effective witness.  I know someone who always dresses nicely when he goes places – slacks and a button up shirt. He's nice to everyone and is very personable. However, it wasn't until one day when he accidentally spilled bbq sauce on his white shirt that someone (who had been watching him for a while) dared to approach and talk to him. This flaw in his normally perfect appearance gave him a human quality that had been lacking before; a little bbq on his shirt made him more approachable than his nice clothes or his combed hair. We, as Christians, should be careful that we aren't working so hard on improving our outward appearance that we cause others to feel like we are purposefully elevating ourselves above them.  In our endeavor to appear put-together, we should constantly be aware of the fact that at some point we cross over the line of appearing human to others and effectively push them away... snuffing out any chance we may have had at showing them the love of Christ.

When I think of the feminine women in my life, I think of those who thank men that hold doors for them, who take children on 4-wheeler rides, who help their brothers put the body of a twelve passenger van back on its chassis, who play Capture The Flag because the team needs one more player... but still curl their hair and wear a dress to a fancy dinner party. Those women who smile at everyone, love everyone, and serve everyone. 

To answer my own question, I believe that Biblical femininity is far more than personal appearance.  Femininity is a strong but quiet woman, a willing servant, a graceful conversationalist, a joyful giver and a humble receiver.  And then, on top of that, if you want to wear makeup... please feel free.  However, I believe a woman wearing a t-shirt and ponytail is possibly more equipped to tackle the world God has set in front of her and is most definitely not of any less value to Him.